Last night before i went to bed i started to think about my life…
And i came to realise that, its utterly pointless right now. This isn’t me telling you all (Not that anyone actually reads this Blog, i mean who guess a fuck about me, right?) That i’m going to kill myself, suicide isn’t how i roll. But lets look at my life right now.
- I’m Unemployed, and finding it especially hate to even get an interview.
- I have a credit card company (HSBC) phoning me everyday asking me to pay what i owe, even though i don’t have any money.
- I have a little over £100 in my bank account.
- Because i can’t spend money on unnecessary things i sit indoors all day, unless i’m out looking for work.
- All my cousins are Married with kids (Two things that do not appeal to me at all) and seem, for the most part to be happy.
- I’m nearly 34 years old and i still live “at home”. Yes dear readers, “AT HOME”.
My self-esteem is incredibly low right now, I’ve never really been in a position, financially, to get my own place so here i am, living in my bedroom/office/living room and i fucking hate it.
Sure i could blame countless people for this but, lets face it, there really is only one person who’s to blame. ME.
Over the years i’ve made countless bad choices, and i seem to keep making them, if at some point in the past i was able to get my own place, i know that i’d be that friend who is always asking for something, and being a nuisance to everybody. Like my cousin Carl and i think of him as a wanker.
I’m not exactly sure why i keep making these bad choices, people around keep saying things like, “All things happen for a reason” or “Something good will come of this” and they all don’t really know this but i think of them as being quiet idiotically optimistic.
Lets look at the kind of person i am, stupid and idiotic comes to mind quickly, but then already this year i’ve helped to individuals who needed it, and an Ambulance. My First Aid training finally came in handy, i found myself taking control of the situation and getting on with it. Did i know these people, No, did i care about these people, No, but it was the right thing to do, right?
You could argue that if i wasn’t sacked in September those two individuals might not have gotten the help they needed. Bullshit. In the first instance, a “Plastic Policeman” arrived only minutes after i did. And the second i was the fourth person there, sure the other three had no idea what to do, but one was on the phone to the Ambulance service, they though i was a cop because of how i dealt with the situation. My first aid training took over i guess.
Sure it makes you feel good, but it gets my nothing, helping people does get the credit card company (HSBC) off my back does it. And to be honest, if someone paid me to leave them alone, i would have, without thinking about it.
I have this weird memory thing, i’m able to compartmentalise things easily, to put them out of my mind and forget them, maybe not on a subconscious level, but my conscious mind, its very easy.
As for my apathy, empathy or altruistic tendencies. If it doesn’t effect me personally or physically i can easily not care. For example, My Dad has Lung Cancer and Liver Cancer and is currently on Chemotherapy, and i have zero feelings on the matter, i can pretend to care so the people i live with don’t think i’m a complete sociopath, but to be honest, i don’t, when i was told i felt nothing, sure you say that i was so shocked i became emotionally numb, but then that was 5 months ago, you’d think that by now i’d feel something about this.
I’m not especially close to my parents or my sister, but i can play the Son, Brother, Uncle when the situation calls for it, i tell people around me, weather they be friends or work mates that i do care, but if/once i move out, and live on my own i know i won’t call them, my sister will call me, but i won’t call her. My two “best mates” two guys i’ve known for 16 or 17 years, two very different people, who by the way don’t know each other, two very different sides of me. I never call them, and rarely contact them.
The First. The mate who trains me at the Gym, calls me everyday we go to the Gym to make sure i’m still going, he knows my money issues and i guess is just waiting for me to say “I can’t afford to go today”. If not for the Gym i’d rarely see him.
The Second, The guy i met in college, we used to hang out all the time, but now, our only point of contact is via eMail, even though a FaceTime (iPhone4) would be easy we don’t do that.
I feel like i could live alone the rest of my life sometimes, and if i had a purpose the loneliness would not be a problem. Over the years i’ve had many girlfriends, and each of them, save one (Stacey) has gone the same way, we met, we have fun, i’m happy she’s happy, we make out have sex and after a few weeks for this, yes a few weeks, its just about the sex, there is no emotional connection anymore, the “magic” is got and after a few more weeks, i’m bored and quit the “relationship”. I’ve never said the words “I love you” and meant it (I never said it to Stacey) i guess i could argue that i’ve never met a girl/woman who has been fascinating to me yet (Except Stacey) someone exciting and interesting. Or maybe i just bore easily?
I have no direction, things i want to do cost money, which i don’t have, that would be making videos for the internet, short films and the like. But i need a new Mac and a proper camera to compete with the Tier 1 Youtubers, also i need my own space to film, and a crew, a few people as extras and crew members. None of my friends and family are interested in helping me out. Friend two might be but lives far away and it would cost him a lot of time and money to travel to me when ever i wanted to make something, which would, ideally be every two weeks.
Of course i have another choice, and that is to rob drug dealers, which is always going to be a viable option.