Thoughts

Right, so before i get on with this blog i have to tell you something. I don’t want ‘Sorry’s’ or sympathies. I’m not writing this post to get either and i personally don’t want either. I’m writing this simply because i’ve been putting it off for 7 months.

So, in January of this year we found out that my Dad has Cancer. Then it was Bowel, Liver and Lung. It was a bit of a shocker to be honest, you never really expect it to be someone you know let alone someone in your own family. The cancer on his bowel wasn’t very big and was operable, so it was removed, and after a few weeks of discomfort that doesn’t seem to be a problem anymore. The cancer in his right Lung again wasn’t very big, but as you can imagine its not removable, well as far as i know anyway, short of cutting up the lung. But the Liver was the big issue here, you can’t cut into the liver to remove the cancer, so he started on Chemotherapy, And, due to the state of this family i’m not exactly sure weather it worked or not, no one tells me anything, even when i ask, the details or always a little vague. Or i forget, i’m not sure.

His liver was/is swelling up, i’m still not exactly sure whats going on with that, again, vague. I do now that the cancer in his right lung spat out some kind of blood nodules into this other lung, how that works i have no idea, but there you go. The swollen liver was/is putting pressure on this diaphragm making it hard to breath sometimes, so the hospital gave him an oxygen tank. He had a test today to see the progress of these blood nodules, i went down stairs to make a cup of tea, and he kind of look upset.

Now i guess that enough on the back ground of this, now on to why i’, writing this.

From that moment in January when we found out, i’ve had very little reaction to any of this, which could be why my mother and sister are always being vague about the details, fact is, i’m not even sure i care that much, i see death as a natural part of life. Sure i haven’t had to deal with death personally so can’t really go in to how i’d feel if i was dying, but if i had to make a guess based on the fact that i know myself pretty well, i’m sure it would bother me that much, if i was told “You have Cancer” i think my reaction to that news would be “Bummer”. Of course it could be that i’m in denial, but would that mean that i don’t actually believe that my Dad has cancer? but i do, i’m well aware of that fact, and went i see him upset, i feel nothing, but “What do you want, a hug”.

My relationship with both my parents has never been close. So maybe the bonds just aren’t there, i remember a very unsupportive past, i’d ask for help doing my homework and i’d usually get “I don’t know” after one of them glances at it for a moment, at that time i was very slow to learn, i didn’t learn to read and write and spell until i was 12, seriously, i’m not ashamed of that fact, its a fact of my life, one that i used to get picked on a let because of. I never got help from either parent, except that i’d be told how stupid i was all the time. By the time i was 11 i’d stopped asking them for help in everything, i had special classes in school, set up by the school, in order to help me learn to read, write and spell. It worked out great until i had an argument with a friend, his sister was teaching me. After that i no longer needed help i helped myself. Which was fine.

I guess i’ve grown up kind of resenting my parents for ignoring me as a child, my sister used to get pretty much what ever she wanted, i didn’t, she would ask and borrow money all the time, i could ask, but i’d never get it. I can guess that the emotional attachment that a child builds with his parents in those early years just didn’t happen for me.

Or

Once i’m in my own place i know that i will never instigate a conversation with them, either of them, or my sister for that matter, i could go on to say because of all that stuff i wrote above. But i never call friends just to see how they are doing. Thats not to say i don’t like them i just don’t see the point in calling them unless i have something to say, and even then i just send an eMail. If i’m meeting one of them i’ll call, but not to chit chat.

Maybe its just me, maybe i just don’t have it in me to care about people for long periods of time. Which would explain why i suck at relationships with women, if its a casual thing its great, i see them once or twice a week, i might talk on the phone or exchange text message daily, but even that gets boring and i find i only reply so i don’t have to explain why i didn’t respond, but only seeing them a few times a week is great. Once they are in my life on a more regular basis, i get bored of them, at which point the relationship is all but over, i start ignoring calls and text messages.

I guess i could say that i just can’t connect with people on an emotional level, weather they are family, friends or girlfriends. Unless i’m extremely drunk, to the point of passing out. I can act like i care, i’m a good liar in that way.

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