Rehash. 750 Words Wednesday, 17 August 2011.
Wow, not much going on today. I wrote a few treatments while listening to Led Zeppelin again. But other then that nothing, not a damn thing. Soooooo kinda bored so I might just do this instead.
I guess i’ve always had sleep oddities. If i push my memory back far enough i’ll find some weird memory based on a dream, but like all dreams the more you try to remember them the harder it is to gain any details that might help you to reconstruct the dream in such a way that you could actually articulate to other people in some meaningful way. So i’m not going to try that hard, mostly because over the years i’ve been thinking about it and little by little the dreams stick in my mind. Thinking about the details you can remember instead those you can’t does help. Start with something you can remember and hold on to that, don’t try to extend the memory or you’ll start to loose it. Hold on to what you have, and try to gather up as much detail as you can about that memory, the rest may or may not come, but at least you’ll have something.
In 2004 i was made redundant from a job i had been working for 7 years. New managers, old ideas, and i get the blame if they didn’t work out, go figure. This is also were i discovered the ‘Managers’ dialogue like “If you don’t like it, leave” from that point on there was no middle ground with the managers, no negotiation, no compromise. You did what they said, when they said how they said or you can’t leave (Quit). Yes, 2004 was the year i discovered that Mangers couldn’t really give a fuck about you unless you were on your knee licking the shit off their boots or from between their arse cheeks.
Listening to ‘White Limo’ – Foo Fighters, Wasting LIght
Not sure why i brought that up it has nothing to do with my sleep. But anyway, I’m sure that the new managers didn’t like me, i pretty much questioned everything they asked me to do, mostly because they asked me to do things that were already tried and tested and failed. And when i said that i was told that i’m not a team player and need to change my ways “SUCK IT”. i was offered a redundancy packets that was twice the norm with a £500 bonus if i took it straight away, with a “If you don’t take it now, we’ll have to choose later and you won’t get the £500 then” it was obvious to me that they just wanted me gone. 6 weeks before i was asked if i wanted the post room job back, i was working in facilities at the time, the post room was were i had been for the first 6 and a half years, they moved me to facilities, and were now asking me if i wanted to go back. Of course i said Yes, then she replied “But i’m not sure you can do it”. Like i said i’d been doing that job for 6 and a half years, the last 6 months on my own because the guy i worked with had a heart attack. Two weeks later they offer it again, again i say yes, again she said “But i’m not sure you can do it” i sighed and go back to work, i said to my supervisor that if they don’t think i can do it then why does she keep fucking asking. Two weeks later, i’m asked again, again i say yes, again she says “But i’m not sure you can do it” finally i say, then why do you keep asking me, i get no answer, just a “I’ll think about it”. Two weeks later i’m in Human Resources getting offered a redundancy package. I took it. 6 months pay plus £500 sweetener.
I found out later, and this is way i think that they just wanted me gone, that they hired two people for the Post Room job, they couldn’t of done that if they gave it to me and then made me redundant, they stalled then got rid of me, and hired two other guys with no post room experience to do it, they were also paying more per year for those guys, most likely 8 to 10 thousand more a year. I was getting 16,000 a year, so unless they were paid 8k each they spent more money. They’s rather spend more on wages for those guys then keep me. When a manager spend more money for two less experienced guy to do a job i can do, better and faster you know they don’t want you around.
I spend the time between June 2004 and July 2005 unemployed, living off my redundancy money. In that time i developed my Insomnia, i stayed awake for 4 days once, i tried to sleep every night and sometimes it became so frustrating that i thought about knocking myself out. This is when i first realised that i had insomnia i can’t ever remember having it before this time, maybe it was during that time when i was looking for work but couldn’t find it. Insomnia the inability to enjoy uninterrupted sleep. I get this quite often now a days. But an even weirder sleep disorder has appeared. Sleep Paralysis.
To be more actuate ‘Hypnopompic Paralysis’ I wake up but am unable for a few minutes to move or even open my eyes. I’m stuck.
When we enter REM sleep the release of certain neurotransmitters, the monoamines (Norepinephrine, serotonin and histamine) are completely shut down. This causes REM atonia, a state in which the motor neurons are not stimulated and the body’s muscles do not move. Some doctors say it to prevent us from enacting our dreams, of course in some cases this doesn’t work and we hear stories of people beating their partners in bed or sleep walking. We are basically paralysed while we are in REM sleep. Hypnopompic is what happens when you come out of REM sleep, your brain wakes up, but your body is still in this phase, it hasn’t realised that your waking up and remains in a paralysed state. This can bring on certain feelings.
You can feel a sense of dread and or intense fear. Your trapped and you can’t move, your eyes are shut and you can’t see. Its a primeval feeling of being trapped, you need to escape but you can’t and the feeling gets worse.
I first had, or remember at least, having this while working at Burberry, i used to spend my lunch break, at 1am because i worked the night shift, asleep, i’d go to the first floor where there was a large couch and i’d sleep on my back with my arms cross over my chest and i’d set my phone alarm to go off in 55 minutes. Then i had what i thought was a very odd dream, i can’t move, i know i’m at work on the couch, i can feel my arms over my chest but i can’t more, the panic settled in and that when i heard it, i heard a woman whisper my name “Jason” her voice was low and completely non threatening, kind of soothing, thats when i woke up. Could it of been my brain sending me an auditory cue to wake up?
I thought it was just a dream, a weird dream but a dream non the less. A few weeks later i had a similar experience but this time the voice was of Charles, the guy i worked with, he said “Their coming, quick their coming” and again i woke up soon after, the voice was perfectly his, but again whispered. I started having these “dreams” a lot while i worked at Burberry, i never had them at home only at work, no matter where i slept i had this “dream”.
I haven’t had this “Dream” since then. A comment on this video, posted on Vloggerheads, said that i might have Sleep Paralysis. So i decided to look it up and it all seems to fit, i’m not usually the type of person to self diagnose but the courses and symptoms all fit. A friend said “You don’t have anything officially until a doctor diagnoses you with it” yeah bullshit, does that mean as long as i never see another doctor i’ll never have cancer (I don’t have cancer just an example) its not really the type of thing that i’d bother a doctor with. It doesn’t hurt, no bones are broken and blood isn’t gushing so i could really care less about going to a doctor to have it officially diagnosed. It just isn’t worth it really.
I have a name for it now, ‘Hypnopompic Sleep Paralysis’ i know its not a weird dream but just a miss calculation between mind and body. I know that the voices are simply an auditory hallucination and that i’ll be fine in a few minutes. I’m actually waiting for it to happen again so i can test out weather i can go through it without trying to move, to simply let it happen, well the voice say something again. But then all the voice said the last time was “Good” again a low soft whisper, she sounds kinda nice actually.