Emotional Connections. 750 Words Thursday, 1 September 2011.
What has become of me,
I am nothing compared to what I used to be.
I shadow of the man I was,
I am nothing.
But a dot in the plan of the great and powerful Oz.
I tried. You gotta give me that at least.
Anyway I think its time I wrote something here to keep the figures nimble. I need to keep them warm in case another poem like that one comes to mind, ‘cause you know I have to write down a bit sharpish.
So, I’m listening to the Inception soundtrack, great film great soundtrack, Hans Zimmer is a genius. Yes I listening to movie soundtracks, I find them inspiring.
Anyways today has so far consisted of waking up at 8:30am and walking 3 miles to the Job Centre, its the closest one. I sit for a few minutes talk about the previous few weeks, pick out a few jobs they have listed to apply for sign a piece of card then walk 3 miles back home to relieve my sister from Dad duty. So I take over Dad duty and that means I have to stay in and keep an eye on him. Oh wait I haven’t written or spoke about this before. I just now realized that, huh. I’m not going to start now by the way, not yet. Lets just say, he isn’t very well and need looking after.
Wait, the Great and Powerful Oz. What the fuck was that about. It rhymed with was. Hey its my first poem. About how I feel sometimes, okay. Right now then where the crap was i.
So how have you been?
I don’t really care to be honest.
I have been thinking lately. That part of the brain that deals with friends and family, that part that builds up a relationship weather it be personal or professional or romantic or whatever, that when you away from those people you miss them. That part of the brain, the part that tells you to miss certain people. Yea I’m not sure I have that. Could it be part of the old brain that makes us “Social Animals” the part that makes us reconnect with people we haven’t seen for awhile? It could be stronger in woman then in men as women feel the need to call people up at random and talk about how they are and ask “How’ve you been” Yea men don’t do that, but in me, its not existent. I never “Miss” people or places.
Hey you wonna grab a beer sometime. Maybe watch a movie or just stay in and watch the Inception Blu-Ray?
Am I weird for not “Missing” people. Family up North old work colleagues old friend from school. Or do I have an over active “Move on” part of the brain. I feel no need to phone people, or even talk to people unless I have something I think they’ll want to know. And then I just send an eMail.
Does this make my Anti-social?
Or just build for adventure. Long trips into the dark heart of the Amazon or the African Jungles?
Another thing, when I’m told that someone in the family has died, how should I feel exactly? Because when my favorite uncle died I was told “Jay, Uncle Jack died last night” my reaction to that was “Okay”.
You might think its just some kind of delayed reaction but I really didn’t feel anything, then the day before the funeral ay the funeral or even now when I think about how he made me laugh as a child. I simply feel nothing, no lose or grief. I just hoped the funeral wouldn’t ruin my day.
Am I cold?
Yet I do feel, but usually only with women I’m sleeping with. That is a different an din my view a deeper connection.
I thought at one point that I might be a Sociopath but after reading a book on Sociopaths I came the to conclusion that I wasn’t. But maybe part of me is. The part that deal with relationships. Maybe I just can’t connect with people in a way that makes me want to reach out to them.
Research has shown that foster kids can’t form a lasting relationship with either foster or adopted parents because. The first 6 months of our lives are very important in this, we form an emotional connection with our parents, usually always the mother because they are the one that we spend most of our time with at that age. This interaction build the neurons in our brains that allow for emotional connects with people, if those neurons aren’t developed at that stage in our early life then it becomes much harder for us to develop an emotional connection with other people so those neurons never establish in our brains and we can’t get emotionally attached to people.
Maybe somewhere in my forgotten past, those neurons just weren’t developed and sustained for a long enough period for them to become permanent. And maybe that is why I can’t develop lasting emotional connections with people.
Now, I love my sister and her three kids (Two 16 and one 6) but I do because I now I have to, she’s my sister. My mother and father however, is a different story. To them I hold nothing. If they cry I feel no obligation to comfort. If they are in pain I feel no need to help. What crosses my mind is, if I do help will it stop me form doing something else more interesting.
Does that make me a bad person?
If those neurons aren’t developed enough because I never had that connection with my parent as a child, is it my fault that I can’t connect now. Not on an emotional lever but only because I know I should because we share DNA.