#Randombling A Random Rambling.
My mind as it stands right now.
I can honestly say i have no fond memories of the 80’s or the 90’s or the 00’s (Naughties). I have lead a life less ordinary, not outstanding in any way. I have little or no relationship with either parent, living or dead. Or my sister and her children, i could honestly take them or leave them. It could be because i don’t find them interesting. Annoying, or a hindrance to things i wish to do.
How i view myself is a mystery, even to me sometimes. I read a book on Sociopaths because i figured i could be one. I have no idea what i want to do with myself, professionally or otherwise. I consider careers as a twentieth century ideology. And know that i may spend the rest of my life doing meaningless jobs, leaving other peoples dreams and desires. That makes me more then anything want to end everything. But even that i see as a sign of weakness and therefore can’t do it.
Excitement, for me is quiet rare. I don’t get excited about anything unless my blood is pumping. Or i’m drunk and my inhibitions are out there for the world to see. Much like my manhood as i walk through London city streets.
I feel like i need money in order to live, and achieve the things i think i want to. I’d like to leave this place, go off the grid so to speak, travel under a different name so i can’t be found, to live of the land, to hunt to forage. To work for cash if needs be. But never stay in one place to long, or long enough to build relationships anyway.
Look at me now, i call myself a writer, yet i do not write, i call myself a film maker, yet i do not make films. Why?!?
Maybe the reason is, i don’t really want to. I say i want to to give myself purpose. Something to reach for because the thought of spending the rest of my life picking up other peoples shit, following manages and supervisors who don’t know their arse from their elbow. I have an in breed aversion to management. I hate them, always have.
Could i start my own company. I don’t know how, or what would i do anyway?!?
I feel like the road i travel is round and meaningless, set out before me to simply walk, in circles, forever. No hills or mountings to overcome. No holes or crevices to cross. Just a flat circle. Meaningless. Like a snake eating its own tail.
I see death as a natural part of life. It doesn’t scare me, nor does dying itself. But dying leaving nothing behind. Not being remembered. To be forgotten as nothing more then a birth and death certificate.
_”If i’m still doing security jobs when i’m 40. I’ll shoot myself”_ – Jason Fisk, 2008.