Not having the greatest morning so far. Feel like crap, not in an ill way, just, you know. I just kinda woke up like this, and putting my scarecrow uniform just made things worse.
On the bus I pulled up my hood and closed my eyes. I didn’t sleep, I just sat there for nearly an hour with my eyes closed. Well, I’m pretty sure I didn’t fall asleep.
The cost of fuel bills is going up ten percent. Inflation increases year on year. Yet my wage remains the same. It doesn’t increase with the rate of inflation. So every year my parse strings get tighter.
Every major decision I can think of, that I’ve made, has been the wrong one. You could argue that we make these decisions for a reason, but that would imply ‘fate’. I don’t believe in fate. Or karma. I believe in what I can see. And I see that I’ve made lots of bad choices.
And today, all this is weighing on my shoulders. That and the prospect of being a security guard until I die of a heart attack brought on by simply giving up on life. This could happen when I’m forty. That is in four years.
All I want is to not struggle every month. But I have no skills worth anything. Except my brain.
I know I can write. I just can’t motivate myself to go on with it. And I hate myself for that.