I’ma Stupid, Magnet.

14 - 1No matter where i go, there they are.

Mostly i attract them while at work, which is good for business because the shop i work in, i do security at a Boutique that sells incredibly over priced shoes and hand bags, and now nail polish, oops sorry, Nail Colour, gotta get that bit right don’t want to up set anyone. Anyway, it’s a good thing to attract stupid rich people to the shop because then they spend ridiculous amounts of money. Some spend a miniscule one-thousand quid, other might drop thirty-five grand. You know, nothing much really…

It wouldn’t surprise me to discover that they found that money between the seat cushions of the sofa in the Dorchester Hotel where they rented the entire floor rather then a single room, i mine, who wants neighbours, am i right?

So they find this money and think, “I could save this money for a rainy day“, or, “I could donate this money to charity, i mine, i forgot i even had, so i won’t miss it at all“. No, they say, “SHOOOOPPPPINGGGG, i really need that pair of 160mm (16cm – 6.299213inches – 0.000086 Nautical miles) platform shoes, covered in crystals, because when i walk, i wonna look like a disco ball“.

Now, i’m not one to tell people how to spend their money. Hell, i spend nearly every spare penny i have on LP’s and. But at least i’m going to listen to them more then once, they ain’t seasonal and so NEVER go out of fashion (every six months) and Books.

Okay i have to admit, i’m kinda Anti-High fashion. Before i started working at this shop i was that way, and for as long as i can remember i’ve thought this way. I wear Chucks (Converse), they cost me forty-five quid and are about as comfortable as it gets for me. So when i see a dude spend some where between five and six-hundred quid on a pair of high top trainers (sneakers to you Americans) i can’t help but think, “You fucking idiot“.

Okay, i’m calling these people stupid base on my own ideology, that the clothes i wear DO NOT define who i am. Every body knows that it’s the movies you watch, the books you read and the music you listen to that defines who we are.

Only joking…

Now the stupid doesn’t stop at work, when i leave i have to walk twenty minutes to my bus stop. I try to avoid crowded areas, because the higher the concentration of people, the more stupid there is. But i have to walk through Oxford Street, probably the busiest street in Europe, i have to cross Regents Street, probably the biggest (shopping) tourist trip in Europe. So i basically have to walk through hundreds of people who: 1, aren’t in a hurry. 2, Aren’t looking where they are going because their are to busy looking at all the pretty, shiny things.

So, i push, i shove and i get through the tourists, only to be stopped in my tracks by the hordes of people looking at the floor as they walk in the crowded streets of West London. Oh no, but wait, they aren’t looking at the floor, they are looking at their phones, eyes glued to the bright displays of soul sucking anti-social social networks. I fucking hate you facebook. Our need to now what our “friends” are doing right this very second is idiotic. They walk around with their phones in their hand, they don’t put them away, they hold on to them, because if they were in a bag or a pocket, it might take them a few extra seconds to see that picture of that pair of over priced shoes their “friend” just bought. You tap like, and comment, “Wow Amazeballs i so totes need those shoes in my life RIGHT NOW!” (there’s no punctuation in that sentence to better mimic the sentence structure of the idiot. However, i could not bring my self to ruin the English language by using ‘text speak’ or internet short hand). Fact is, when i’m at my most intoxicated, lying in a pool of my own vomit after just pissing myself, i still can’t think as slow as these people.

So, we’ve had the Money-Moron. And the Socialight Headed. Now, the Street Dick.

A street dick is someone who you are walking towards, now at them, but on the street in there general direction. You see them, so you made a small alteration in your trajectory so you don’t walk into them. At that moment you are looking directly at this person. You note that s/he is looking at you too, just a quick glance. And, as you are about to pass this person they do one of two things;

  1. They step into your path and stand still, not looking at you, as if they didn’t see you. They just stand there, in your way causing you to stop abruptly to stop from walking into this idiot. “Don’t look at me coming and then step out in front of me“.
  2. They step out in front of you, but this time they don’t stand still, they walk in front of you, but really slowly. “You saw me coming, you saw how fast i was moving, yet you step out in front of me instead of letting me pass first before you decided to walk so fucking slowly i’ll be middle aged before i get to my bus stop”

Sometimes i wonder if i’m the only person out there who walks around while at the same time is trying to be considerate for the other pedestrians out there.


I’ma Stupid Magnet, i attract the slow of mind. 

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