Last Nights Apple Keynote….. Thingy.

So i tried to watch the Apple keynote last night via my apple TV, it didn’t work very well. When it did work i could hear Phil Schiller but i could also hear a Chinese narrator. Which was very annoying. I mean no disrespect to the Chinese, all four-hundred-billion of them, but i don’t want to hear Chinese narration. I don’t understand it, so why the fuck would i want to hear it?

Right now, The Velvet Underground: Loaded is spinning. Good record.

I’d also get a colour card from the TV truck. Needless to say i gave up trying after a few minutes and decided to watch Lord of the Rings: Return on the King instead. The Extended Edition. Far more satisfying.

A friend had sent me a text about the watch, i said that i wasn’t really interested in the watch. So he sent me a few more text;

“It looks premium” and “The watch is the highlight of the show”.

I’m ffinding it difficult right now to express how much i didn’t care. Maybe later.

This morning i watched the keynote via apple TV. It worked.

Okay, i have to tell you guys this first, i love Apple (Jobs era), i have an iMac, an iPhone 5 and an Apple TV. I love them all. Yet i type this on a Chromebook. Not because i’m turning my allegianceĀ to the Googally side or anything, it’s just a glorified typewriter to me, until i can afford to get me a Macbook Pro.

I love Apple.

I heard about the iPhone 6, 4.7 and 5.5 inch screens the some time everyone else did, and i wasn’t impressed then because i remembered Steve Jobs saying that the iPhone was the perfect size. Something that Cook seems to have forgotten. I hate the big screen phones like the samsung galaxy. I mean, if it doesn’t fit in my pocket, and by fit in i mean, not sticking out, then i’m not interested, i want to forget my phone is even in there. Apple seems to have gone against what Jobs laid down. Why has Senior Vice President Jony Ives let this happen?

Jony, grow a pair dude. Tell Cook to fuck off with his ideas. I@d bet you’d carry more loyalty with Apple staff then him. Oh wait… loyalty doesn’t really account for shit in big corporate environments.

It’s also half a millimetre thinner. So the fuck what. But guess what, if it were the same thickness as the 5 (s) it would probably have a longer battery life… Think about it.

Anyway, not very interested in the new phone, which is a first for me. I mean i like some of the camera features, but not enough to start a new two year contract paying 43 quid a month. I refused an upgrade on my 5 and now my monthly bill is 16 quid. I’m happy with that. But then i have the option to upgrade in six months. The 6 Plus is just idiotically big. Well done for pandering to the galaxy crowd.

iOS 8. Nothing, nothing said about it at all. Nothing except that it’ll work on my phone and that it’s out on the 17th. Big fucking whoop. WHAT DOES IT DO MOTHA FUCKA!

And so, the Apple Watch.

I can’t think of a more stupid technology then wearable technology. You’ll only get the most out of it with an iPhone 5 or higher. So otherwise it’s just an expensive digital touch screen watch. Wow. Okay, don’t get me wrong here, i love some of the technology involved in it, the force touch thing, you know, it knowing whether you tapped it or pressed down on it, cool tech. The sensors, not bad.

Okay people, i just put Led Zeppelin: Houses of the Holy on. Shut up now, don’t ruin it.

I just don’t care about smart watches. No matter what company makes them. They just make me what to go out and buy a wind up watch with gears and springs and shit. That’s what i want a watch to do, show me what time it is, not display notifications from twitter, instagram and facebook (deleted my fb account two years ago, never felt better fucking hate that shit, it’s worse for the brain then crystal meth). By Jobs my wrist would be on fire. I’m more then happy to pull my phone out of my pocket, look at it, then ignore it. I don’t need to see shit on my phone that quickly that i need it there on my wrist. To save a few seconds.

No but seriously, it’s bad enough that i have to dodge people staring down at they phones everyday, do i now have to dodge people looking at their fucking watches. “Look at me, i’m Michael Knight, i’m talking to my buddy with my watch” fuck off back to the 80’s you twat.

Okay, i only wear a watch while at work, and then all i need is it to tell the time. Like right now, not wearing a watch. I haven’t worn it since i got home from work on Saturday (I typed this on Wednesday. and my beer is empty, BRB). Okay, new beer i can continue.

As much as i like some of the tech that has gone into the watch, i just don’t need it. No, i just don’t want it. For the first time since my mate John took me to the Apple store on Regents street in late 2006, i don’t want it.

Wanting it is important here, the want factor. Something Apple has been expert at since 2001’s iMac. You just want it, you don’t need it, but you want it. That is something that Apple has excelled at. iPhone, want. iPad, want. Jobs said once that “People don’t know what they want, until you show them”. He gave us products that we didn’t need, but wanted them anyway because they were our little precious. We sat like Gollum coveting these items, calling them our precious, and arguing with anyone who said we where ‘sheep’. WE ARE NOT SHEEP WE JUST REALLY REALLY LOVE OUR PRECIOUS, OUR APPLE PRECIOUS AAAGGHHHHHHHHHHH (to be said with a racked voice box. It’s okay, lemon and honey should clear that right up).

I’m not helping am i?

Look, i love the tech, it;’s just wasted on a fucking watch that you need an iPhone to use to it’s fullest.

Summery;

  1. iPhone 6 and 6 Plus. You made them bigger, roll on the Fandroids. The iPhone didn’t need to be bigger then the 5. Stop following. Start leading again. The 4 inch was, IS, perfect. Bigger doesn’t mean better (unless you’re american). What is it with americans and bigger is better, i mean, everyone knows your average dick size is smaller then Europe, but geez guys, get over it.
  2. iOS 8, you could have said a little more about it. Like new features and why i should upgrade to it. But you didn’t.
  3. The Watch won’t help you masturbate any better, Tim, so why spend so much time on it, you could have made more time for iOS 8, but Nooooo your all about the fucking watch…. news flash asshole, I DON’T CARE!

In summery: The iPhone 6 and it’s idiot brother Plus, is a step backwards, it should have remained no bigger the the 5. You should have spent more time on iOS 8. And the watch is just another gadget for apple fanboys to masturbate to, or with. “Check my heart rate now, bitch!“. Just superfluous tech we don’t need. Just feels like Apples integrity died with Steve Jobs.

Now that i’m editing this blog i’m listening to Eric Clapton: 461 Ocean Boulevard.

Also, my neighbour has been working in the room the other side of the wall. A drill, a sander, and a hammer. No idea what he’s doing. All i know is that it’s fucking loud and it 19:00.

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