Last night i was thinking about why my book, Crow, was so bad. The only thing i could come up with was that i just didn’t care about it, it was only ever an exercise to see if i could do it. A film script i adapted and changed to work as a novel. But i never really cared about it.
Bob Dylan – John Wesley Harding (1964) is now spinning.
Having said that, i’m not sure i can ever really care about any project. I mean if i did, i wouldn’t be writing this blog post, i’d be writing that next project. Which is Raven Blackwater or Project: Bravo.
I like to think that i can write a story worthy of you guys reading it, worthy of being published and sold in shops all over the world. Would i care about it then, i wonder?
Last night as i was just trying to go to sleep, hating the fact that my time off is basically over and that i had one more day of freedom from the jackasses that i serve, and usually at this time my brain goes into over drive, not wanted to sleep, i started to think allowed. That maybe i didn’t care, and that’s why that book failed. But there are some good bits in there and maybe i could use them in another project at some point down the line.
Now i had spent a day feeling pretty shitty about the failure, i had drunk a lot, but i wasn’t drunk, not really really need to run to the toilet to throw up drunk, just kinda, pensive drunk, things start to come in to focus. That i should forget that book and just move on to the next. That we all have bad stories in us and it’s just a matter of getting them out. The only way to do that is to write them and see how they turn out. Out with the bad.
I also made a video procrastinating about all this. That video received a large comment that basically said that i need to find my niche. The only way to find my niche is to write what i feel. What i want to, not what i think i should because it’s a genre that might sell better. So, Crow is out. And Raven is in.
I think the reason this hit me so hard is because i wanted it to be my way out. To be able to make a living doing this so i’ll never have to work in security again. But once i recognised just how bad the book was i saw that float away, and saw myself working in security until retirement. But i can tell you this now, i will not retire as a security guard, I Will Not!
I gave myself until i hit forty. That’s in three years. I want to be out of the energy sucking, morale killing, slow death that is security by mid-January at the very latest. If i have to get a part-time job after that then so be it. But lets not forget the family side of this, the side that thinks that you owe them something: or at least that’s how it feels sometimes. That quitting to pursue a dream is selfish and idiotic. If i could get these people out of my life i would, in a heart beat, but i ain’t that lucky, it’s just another part of the bullshit i need to deal with. But like they say, i’ll cross that bridge when i come to it.
Right now, i need to write another book. I took time off to write that last one, and was writing three chapters a day. Another mistake, i think. I should really have taken more time with it, so instead of editing Crow, now i’ll write this new project. And if it turns out to be shit, i move on to the next project, and so on until i come across something that isn’t shit, that might be print worthy. In the mean time i need more time to write and a job that doesn’t suck the life out me.
My current job just won’t do at all. I received a phone call from them today, a guy asking what days i worked because he had forgotten, though i suspect it’s on my file somewhere, he then sent me a text with my weeks rota on it. A few hours later i get another text, my hours for tomorrow have changed from 9am to 6:45pm to 9am to 9pm. Great, and so the soul sucking goes ever on until i drive a stake through it’s black heart and cut off it’s head.
I need to leave this job. But finding something else isn’t easy, and i do try.
But hey, what about a book with a soul sucking company that is literally sucking the life out of it’s employees..?
That text came in over an hour and a half ago. Maybe i should send a reply.